Sunday, May 2, 2010

Our Angels { Bark River Michigan Child Photographer }

May 2, 2002...a day that forever changed our lives. I was 23 1/2 weeks pregnant with our twin daughters. I woke up that morning not feeling "right" but I had a doctor's appointment later that day so I figured I would just wait until then if I still didn't feel right. Unfortunatly through out the day I felt worse and we called to get in earlier for our appointment. We arrived at my doctor's and he took me in the room immediatly. From here everything was just BOOM... RUSH...URGENT. I was told to go to the hospital now and when we got there the nurses were waiting for me and got me into bed... I was in labor. They started me on drugs and Milwaukee was willing to take me as long as I was stable. Well that never happened...it was so bad my husband had to decide... you lose the babies or you lose all three. The look of heartbreak on his face I will never forget...all it took to finally get to this point...to even get pregnant...all the shots...all the hormones...all the testing...and knowing that I did everything right and perfect the moment I found out I was pregnant and he was having to make this decision.

Payton Marie was born first and she passed away minutes later. Payton had daddy's toes, the longest fingers and she looked like my baby brother Josh. Hope Marie was born an hour later and she looked just like mommy, she even had my toes. A helicopter was coming to get her to transfer her to Green Bay. We could not go with her because I had to get IV antibiotics for 3 days..but I told my doctor I would be leaving in the morning and he knew me well enough that I would no matter what. We got to go see our baby girls in the nursey before Hope left...to see them together...it was beautiful but knowing they would be seperated I just prayed for Hope to be strong and for Payton to help her sister.

The next morning I told the nurses...time for me to leave. The doctor came in and said he knew he couldn't change my mind and that I need two shots before I left and then he would talk to the doctors in Green Bay about getting me an IV there. The nurse comes in gives me one shot and another nurse comes to the door and said she had a phone call and it can't wait. My heart sank because I knew it was the other hospital saying Hope had passed away, I looked at the clock for the time...a mother knows. The nurse came back in and I said she passed away didn't she and the nurse smiled and said "No honey it was something else" as her eyes teared up... she gave me my last shot and hugged me.

On our drive I already knew Hope had passed away...my only regret was that we just didn't leave when she left...I should have been with her...her mommy should have been holding her. We get to the hospital and they put us in a private room and we are told to wait. The doctor comes in and starts to talk about how hard Hope fought... they all thought she had a chance and I stopped him and said "I just want my baby". He took my hand and said if I ever want to talk about it...later today , tomorrow, next week, even a year later all I had to do was call him.

I could go on...because I remember it as if it happened today in 2010. It's just something a mother doesn't and won't forget. Payton and Hope are part of our family. They may not be here with us but they will forever be our first children and our other children's big sisters. Their pictures are up all over in our house, just as are Preston, Paige and Parker's.

Every year for their birthday we go to the cemetery and bring the girls flowers and balloons. This year Paige is old enough to hold the balloons and be the one to let them go. Paige got a little upset though. Paige didn't want to send her sisters the balloons...Paige wanted to keep them. We finally convinced her to let them go and Paige told us that the balloons were going to the moon and not to heaven for her sisters. My husband and I of course thought that was funny...she's our little stinker!

Eight years...I can't believe they would be eight today. I am forever grateful that I had the time with them that I did.

Happy Birthday Payton and Hope!









1 comments:

This N That Photography said...

Thanks for sharing such a difficult part of your past. I can't imagine the pain- I am happy for you that you have your other children, but I now you must miss the ones who should have been there too.
-shellie